Dear Parents: Your Selfish Choices Have Generational Consequences On Your Children.

My heart is completely breaking right now. I feel a mixture of rage, sadness, despair, anger and hopelessness. It’s crazy how you can literally feel so many emotions at the same time. Or maybe, it’s not at the same time. Maybe it’s that you feel the emotions concurrently, but it’s happening so fast that you think it’s happening at the same time? I don’t know. Who the hell does?

To look at me on the outside, you’d never know that my heart is breaking. My life is going so phenomenally well right now. I love what I do everyday for “work.” I don’t really call doing what you were called to do work, but there are aspects of it that are in fact work. But yeah, I love my work/career/purpose. I truly believe that being a Life Coach is what I was called to do in my life. Creating safe spaces for people to be able to heal and find out things about themselves they may have never known is truly one of the most beautiful and humbling experiences I get to be a part of every single day. I feel very honoured and privileged when people spend their time with me. I don’t take any of that for granted and never will.

So why am I so sad and heartbroken right now, you may ask? It’s because I’m having an epiphytal moment that is bringing me to my knees with sadness and grief. It’s something I’ve always known, but didn’t really understand the impact of until this moment. It doesn’t matter what triggered the learning. Just that I received the insight.

Being a parent is one of the greatest gifts, yet one of the greatest responsibilities that we can have, for those of us blessed enough to be able to procreate. Not all of us with wombs and vaginas can have children. There are many of us who don’t want children at all. I truly believe that that is all in God’s master plan. He knows those of us who want children and all the beautiful ways that can happen. This planet is really about variety. We never came here to be binary only. So being a parent, choosing to be a parent comes with so much responsibility. I truly believe God and children select their parents. They choose who to come through for the learning and growth they possibly can experience. I say possibly intentionally, because I really understand that we all have choices in this life. We all come in with a relative plan of what we will come in to learn. It’s not a hard and set plan, it has many different permutations to it, but the overall themes of whatever we are supposed to learn are resolute. So as an example, if one of the themes you were supposed to learn was forgiveness, unconditional love of self, compassion, etc., that is the part that is resolute. So God will design your life in such a way and will allow things to happen to you that will give you the opportunity to learn the theme you were supposed to learn. How long it takes you to figure that out is completely up to you. But you will continue to have repetitive situations that will continually come up in your life until you either get the lesson; or, if Dad sees that you are completely going off the rails (because you do have the freedom of choice and freewill), He will absolutely cut this journey short for you. That’s why we all have several exit points in our lives. Because none of us are here to waste time. Time is finite and purposeful. If you are down here bullshitting or wasting time, not learning whatever your theme was, He will absolute bring you back home to restart this journey in a different body. You will come down here as many times as you need to to learn the things you need to learn. That’s why some of us are old souls-we’ve been down here on this wheel of time learning and growing for millennia. This planet has much value in terms of soul-growth and deep spiritual learning. There is so much variety to the ways we can get back to the Source (or Dad as I call Him/Them). So He doesn’t really care how you get back to Him (i.e.: religious beliefs, non-religious beliefs, etc.); just as long as you do and learn the things you were sent here to learn. That’s it. It’s really that simple. But we make this life so very complicated. The quicker we learn what we need to learn, the quicker we stop repeating the same painful lessons, AND the quicker we get off the wheel.

So what does any of this have to do with my topic or parents making selfish decisions, you might ask? Well, let me explain. Every single one of us is an accumulation of the generations of our ancestors and their choices. We are a product of not just their genetic lineage, but also of their choices and decisions, whether healthy or unhealthy. A lot of baby boomers make fun of my generation and the generations after mine who are holding the entire world accountable, and say that we have thin skin and are too sensitive. It is amazing to me that a generation that has virtually zero self-awareness or emotional intelligence as a whole has anything to say to us, quite frankly. But I digress. Us millennials have bore the brunt, both physically and emotionally of our parents and grandparents and great-parents’ choices. The secret children of men that families know about but don’t talk about. The pedophile brothers and uncles; the sisters and mothers who give their young girl children up to nasty old men for security. The alcoholic and drug addicted family members. The ones who committed suicide that no one talks about. The family members with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and other personality disorders. The narcissistic mothers who raised narcissistic girl and boy children, who then grow up into narcissistic adults who believe that people are going to put up with their shit, like their mothers did. These are all decisions that my generation has had to deal with, all while also dealing with the scorn of previous generations.

Then, the final nail in the coffin being a planet that has and continues to be raped and ravaged, polluted beyond all control and have all its animals be systemically phased out due to overconsumption, human hunting, greed and plain old ignorance by this same generation who calls us babies, sensitive and thin-skinned. These are the same ones who go hunting for sport on private gaming reserves in Africa because they have privilege and have the money. They instill those same selfishly disgusting traits and mindsets into their kids. Or what about the ones who cheat on their partners as if that is just the natural order of things, and still expect absolute love and loyalty from their partner? Then expect their children to somehow make better decisions in choosing their partners than they did? Or expect their children to not find a partner that is just like them, that cheats and disrespects them openly the way they do their children's other parent?

You know, I remember being young, and being berated by many an adult in my life about my choices and decisions. Yet ask me if ANY of these individuals were modelling healthy behaviours to me for me to be able to do better than I was? How could I possibly save money and have better money management when I was never taught how to balance a checkbook, much less save or invest money? How could I demonstrate behaviours I was never shown and was not naturally inclined to be cheap or frugal? Please understand, in no way am I blaming anyone in my life for my misfortunes as an adult. Trust me, I made plenty a bad decision perfectly on my own, thank you. But what I also know is that I was never given the same foundation even my other siblings were. My upbringing was completely unique and different. Things that were available to them were never even an option for me. Why? Because of decisions and choices that my parents made. To be clear, this is not a judgement of my parents or their choices. They, like every other parent out there was doing the best they could do at the time. I fully understand that. But what I also know is that two things can be true at the same time. My parents could have been doing the very best they could and knew to do at the time; and even with that being said, they could have caused major trauma to me and my siblings because of their choices and decisions, regardless of how well-intentioned they were.

Then there is the reality that not everyone is well-intentioned behind why they do some of the things they do. Some people, including those who choose to bring children into this world, are extremely selfish, narcissistic and completely self-centered. There are too many narcissists out there having children, and creating little new narcissists because they will in some way pass along the same traumas they endured to their children, partners and anyone else who chooses to be in relationship with them. I used to believe that one of the worst things a person could do was bring children into this world knowing they haven’t healed their own stuff yet. But see, that was the problem with my reasoning and logic. I assumed that people who choose to have kids were self-aware individuals who have done their work and healed their stuff. I know it sounds dumb now, but when I was younger, I used to think adults were so smart! I legit thought adults had it all figured out; that there was this “adulting school” that everyone somehow went to around 18 and they learned how to be an adult. Then I grew up and realized that adults are just big children, most of whom are still working their stuff from childhood out in their adult years. Those same big children who mostly haven’t healed their stuff, then have children and we just keep repeating this insane cycle of trauma and pain.

This brings me to the crux of my heartbreak. I should have known that if part of my personal journey was to teach about self-awareness and emotional intelligence to others, that I’d have to go through situations (remember what I said about Dad/God allowing messed up shit to happen to us if we need to learn things?) that would bring me to my knees at times but that I’d received deep learning from them. Unfortunately, one of the realizations I had tonight is that it doesn’t matter how much I may know about self-awareness and emotional intelligence and emotional resilience, I can’t know enough for anyone who doesn’t actually want to change. I can’t want anything more for anyone in my life in terms of them having self-awareness, than they want for themselves. Some people have made decisions that will continue to keep them on this hamster wheel called life. And this isn’t because they don’t know any better. They fully know better and are choosing not to do better. Because I understand the generational impact this will have on their kids and grandkids, etc. it absolutely breaks my heart. Because I’m watching in real-time people make selfish decisions like some of my ancestors made that landed my family and I in many of the positions many of us are in. Whether that is dealing with mental and physical health challenges because we are manifesting our anxieties and repressed emotions into our bodies and manifesting sickness and illness, or there are broken aspects of our family because of family secrets, the burden my generation and the ones after me have to bear is just too much. Secrecy and shame is as familiar to my family as a warm blanket. I don’t doubt it is the same in many others as well.

So why am I writing this? First, because writing is truly therapeutic for me. It has always been one of the purest forms that I have to stream my feelings, thoughts and consciousness. Writing helps me capture me in real time. Second, it is my sincerest hope that those who are genuinely interested in healing themselves and truly being self-aware and have children will read this and understand just how much their daily choices and decisions affect and impact their kids. It is not my intention to judge any parents out there for anything they are doing or have done. That’s not my place or my heart. I completely understand that parenting is a very hard job and requires a lot of energy and time. I would just like to remind all parents out there that if you have children, especially biologically, you made a choice. That choice has nothing to do with your child. Therefore, the amount of time and energy that your child/children require is not up for debate because you are tired. Your children never asked to be here. They never asked you to have sex with their mother/father to create them. You decided to do that all by your lonesome. Whether it was you deciding not to make your partner wear protection to protect against pregnancy, whether you chose not to be on birth control for whatever your reasonings were, whether it was letting a man ejaculate in side of you because he or you didn’t want to wear a condom because “you don’t like condom sex,” YOU made a choice. And your children do not deserve any of whatever your frustrations with parenting will be, all because YOU made a choice that you were not fully cognizant of. I appreciate that we are in the times of millennial parenting, but let me tell you, that only goes as far as a millennial who has self-awareness to know that maybe how they were parented wasn’t always the healthiest, or they happen to be a millennial who grew up in the rare healthy household and thus had healthy behaviours modelled and demonstrated to them. So for all you others who didn’t grow up in a healthy environment but somehow truly believe you are magically going to “do better” than your parents did simply because you wish it to be so, for the sake of your children, it is my sincerest hope that you seek therapy. I’m not even kidding. You need to work with a therapist to show you what your blind spots are. This is why this whole Gen Z idea of “self-therapy” is not only garbage it doesn’t even make sense if you understand what the purpose of therapy is. There are so many completely unaware people roaming around this planet that keep on having kids and perpetuating the very same traumas against their kids that they went through, and when you try to show them lovingly what their actions are costing not only them but their children, they attack you and think you are the enemy. So since some of you don’t want to listen to people who love who and only truly want the best for you, please seek help and talk to a therapist. If you don’t care enough about yourself to get yourself help for you, then please do it for your kids. I’ve never fully understood that statement as much as I do right now. I never understood how someone could not do something for themselves but would do it for their kids. Now I understand it. When people don’t truly know what love is and therefore do not truly love themselves, they only understand love as it pertains to other people. They only understand love if they are doing something for others; they have no concept of how to love themselves or receive love. Which is exactly what ends them up in the situations they end up in time and again. Those same situations that not only do they have to deal with, but so do their kids. So again, if you won’t get help for you, please for God’s sake, get help for yourself for your kids. Because some of y’all kids will not survive you and your traumas. Some of your traumas will kill your kids. Is it really worth it?

If this seems a bit harsh, blunt, and to the point? It is because I’m watching family traumas being relived in younger generations right in front of me and sometimes, it’s just too much to bear. My soul is tired of trauma. My soul is tired of generational curses being handed down like a badge of honour, instead of trying to be worked on and broken by the elders in families. I’m tired of seeing these beautiful pure babies coming in to completely messed up home/environment/family situations, not because they have to, but because the other people living in the dysfunction would rather continue to perpetuate it than heal and change themselves for the betterment of their children and the children that they influence.

I haven’t written in a long time-not because I didn’t have anything to say, but rather because I’ve been so busy with coaching. I think Dad is purposefully allowing things to slow down a bit so I can observe things in my life that need to change. Whether I ever have biological children or not, it is my absolute promise to my children that I will never stop doing my work. And I won’t do my work just for them; I’m doing my work because I know how deep my traumas go and how much healing I still have left to do. My mental health is of the utmost importance to me and self-awareness and emotional intelligence work is a deep part of healing work. How can you heal what you don’t know needs healing?

So to all the people reading this blessed enough to have children already, it is my sincerest hope that if you are not already getting help, that you do. And please don’t tell me that you don’t have traumas or that everything is fine. Everyone has trauma. It’s a matter of understanding how it shows up for you in your life. Stop comparing traumas of other people to your own and thinking you don’t have any. That’s the trap you can get yourself into, and I promise you your children will always show you the areas of your life that you need to work on and that are still unhealed. Be humble enough to be open to hearing things you may not have known. Be open to hearing things you may not have expected. That’s the healing journey. That’s the work. It’s extremely difficult, I know. It’s extremely painful and hard. I know that too. But your sacrifice to do the work now will literally heal and save generations of your family. Aren’t they worth it?

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Certified Life Coach & Workshop Facilitator specializing in Self-Awareness, Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Resilience coaching. I also write a sometimes.

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Whitney Smart

Whitney Smart

Certified Life Coach & Workshop Facilitator specializing in Self-Awareness, Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Resilience coaching. I also write a sometimes.

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